I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
