i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize