I'm so fucking centered right now
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
