Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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