i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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