Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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