I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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