My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
