Don't make out with my wife yet
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
