and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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