Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize