Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
