nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
