my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
