Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
