i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
