I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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