you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
