Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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