I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
