Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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