i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I intend to get homeless drunk
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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