get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
