Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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