Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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