I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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