They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
