I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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