My balls are so social today.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
