I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
