fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize