You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
