We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize