i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
