Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
