I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
