I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
This can only be settled by a dance off.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
