you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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