The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
