Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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