I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
How does it feel to date your dad?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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