Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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