you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I am naked and annoyed.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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