i think i have two assholes
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
