Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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