sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
