I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
