When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
