the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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