i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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