i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
