Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
