i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
