Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
