Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
