You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
