Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
