you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I wish life had little blips of pornography
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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